
Hi friends. As it is 20 years to the day since i went blindโฆI thought iโd share one of my older posts(yet updated) from 4 years ago when i was asked to share a little of what i went through when i lost my sight at 24.
I really hope that youโll have the time to read it, and that it blesses you in some small way?!ย
Here Goes…
I was asked by our Minister Nik if i would share my Testimony in the parade service. The theme was โFaith through Adversityโ, Nik said “i can ask you some straight forward questions, it will only take about 5 minutes(or so we thought)โ โYeah, ok, if you think it will help?โ.
Sunday 8th May 2016…
Walking into the church building Sunday morning, it was quite full, as it was parade service, the scouts and other uniformed groups were there, but Nik found us seats at the front, then showed me up the steps and where iโd stand to speak, after testing the microphone i remembered the steps and sat back down.ย
As iโm blind, i canโt use any notes, so i spent a little time trying to etch some answer headings into my mind, hoping iโd not veer too far off track. I then prayed that iโd use this time to Glorify Him, as i talked about the Truth that sets us free, and how iโm not ashamed of the Gospel, itโs the power of God unto Salvation to all who believe…please make it real(be careful praying this, lol).
It;s time…
Steve, we are looking at people who have showed faith in difficult circumstances and I have asked you to share some of your story with us.
Many people here, even those who have seen you around at various church events may not know that you are blind.
My Testimony…
Nik stood next to me at the microphone and started with the first 2 questions:
Have you always been blind? How and when did you loose your sight?
I explained iโd been fully sighted until i was 24, and after 2 brain haemorrhages(March – July 2000) that burst my optic nerve, iโm now registered blind and have Severe Hypertensive Retinopathy.
“How did that change your life?”
I said โI can only scratch the surface this morning, but if ever you see me walking around here or in town, please ask me anything. But now i’ll try and sketch you a quick picture and give you a flavour of what happenedโฆ”
โI went to the gym 6-7 days a week, played football most evenings and was quite violent, acting the tough guy. ย I wasnโt a Christian, i hadnโt been born again, or even been inside a church buildingโฆsoโฆAs i stepped out of the eye consultants office after being told iโd be blind for the rest of my life, it was out of character but i collapsed on the floor sobbingg my eyes out. And as my crying out got a little too loud they pulled me into a small empty roomโฆ.And this was the easy bitโ.
โFollowing this was pure isolation… all my football mates left me, i lost my job, my car and ability to do anything…i lost everything, i was completely broken, and on top of that i was left to my acusing thoughts โNobody wants you, youโre useless now, unwanted, rejected, unloved and unlovable!!โ
Suddenly, as i was telling my story…
My mouth was silenced, an image of Jesus in Glory(Revelation 1) filled my mind, it wasย so clear(not blurred by my blindness)ย I could see His flaming eyes of judgmentโฆthenโฆthe image changed, it was Jesus on the cross, now His eyes were filled with Mercy, Compassion & Grace, and while looking down straight at me he said โI did this for you, so that you can live. IโฆLOVEโฆYOU!!!
I started sobbing uncontrollably, and it took a couple of minutes for me to try and start talking againโฆ.but more sobbingโฆi was completely undone. But these tears were different!
I already knew He’d given His life so i could live. He’d come down so farย to save me it is immeasurable. His blood washed me clean, white as snow. He’s forgiven me all my sins, past, present and future, and there is no more condemnation for me, it is finished!
Iโd been ย praying for so long for God to โBreak my heart for what broke Hisโ and sang the songs many times, but rarely had i caught a glimpse of the true cost of His Love, and His free gift of Grace to those who Repent and Believe in Him. I knew He wanted me to share the True Gospel to people listening(and now reading), as it alone is the only Hope. It is the Power of God unto Salvation for anyone that believes.
Still sobbing, i continued…
My every word was a different pitch but i said โMy pit was so dark, my accusing thoughts were too heavy, and this led to a daily cycle of waking up and trying to kill myselfโฆfailing, which made me feel worseโฆthen drinking so much i could drown them out for the rest of the day, until i woke the next day, then it started again.ย
I didnโt have the strength to kill myself, and i didnโt have the strength to live…i was without God, and without Hope!
Nik, whoโs hand was rested on my shoulder asked question 4 “I know you were deeply unhappy at the time, what changed that?”
The world followed itโs pattern and sent me to Counselling, then Psychotherapy & finally Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, they didnโt work, they all had no answer for me, they couldnโt reach far enough down to pull me out. I needed a Saviour, I needed the light of the Gospel!ย
The Good News &ย Lovely Sarah…
Meeting Sarah changed my life! I have no idea how sheโs put up with me. Sheโs ย been so patient and long suffering as i tried attacking her Faith and this Jesus! But she kept on loving me. Sarah always seemed to have a rock to stand on no matter how bad things got for her, and i was being dragged deeper into the sinking sand. She always had this Blessed Hope that i didnโt,
Jesus worked through Sarah to shine the light of the Gospel, the Good News i was dying for.ย
Words failed me as i was trying to describe how much i love Sarah, so when my mind filled with thoughts of how far weโve grown together in loveโฆi broke down again.ย
The sobbing was still making me pause every few words, but mentioned Jesus doesnโt want to see anyone perish, but he pursues you, He has come to seek and save that which is lost. He loves you and no matter how bad or hopeless you think you are, Heโll keep coming with His free gift of Salvation!
Nik asked Question 5 “some people would say that your life must be worse now, would you agree with them?”
Iโd gone way over my time slot, and i was almost pulled away from the mic as i was so overwhelmedโฆBUT i knew these tears were not about me, or my losses. I had 1 focus and that was to share the Truth that sets us free. I had no feeling of sorrow or pain. I knew it must have seemed like this to the congregation, and i thought theyโd stick me in a counselling room when iโd finished!
The Holy Spirit was filling me like never before, and made the Power of the Gospel so real to me i almost exploded.
I continued โI wouldnโt agree with anyone who thinks(or measures) life by how good our circumstances are. Iโd lead them to 2 Corinthians 4 & 5 where it talks about living by Faith, not by Sight, and now that we are born again in the Spirit, we should walk by the Spirit. Not living for things that are seen which are temporary(like my sight loss), but living for the unseen which is Eternalโ
โI used to hate this song, but now iโd play it every service if i couldโฆhave you heard Amazing Grace, the Chris Tomlin version? If you pass me in the street youโll normally hear me singing or humming these words:”
“Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.ย I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind, but now I see. My chains are gone I’ve been set free. My God, my Saviour has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending love, amazing graceโ.
โIโve never seen so clearly since going blindโ This is one of my fave sayings.ย ๐ย
Nik then walked me back to my seat next to Sarah. The church was completely silent, it had been silent since i first started sobbing. I could feel Sarah was upset as she didnโt react for a while, then she said โPeople kept on running up and passing me tissuesโ. Nik sat down next to Sarah, and Sarah said โYouโre not borrowing him again to speakโ.ย
After the service people came over and said they really connected with the things i said, although i think everyone thinks iโm back in dark depression again, lol.
He showed me the reality and Power of transformation in His Gospel, and how vital it is to share it, as Jesus is the ย Way, the Truth and the Life and no-one gets to ย the Father but by Him. Heโs the forgiver of Sins, breaker of chains, and the only Salvation for Eternal Life in Heaven.
John 3:14-21ย New King James Version (NKJV)
14 And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up, 15 that whoever believes in Him should not perish but[a] have eternal life. 16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.
18 โHe who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19 And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20 For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. 21 But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.โ
I felt i needed to share this post to try and explain a little more of what was happening to me, and maybe reach out to someone who is struggling with the creeping death called Depression,or who is just simply lost and without God, and without Hope.
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